So that whole taking ownership of my own sensuality… guess I still got some work to do. It seems it’s one thing to mean what you say and quite another to actually live it. But, I figure it’s at least a good start to be saying it. It’ll just take a little more practice to strut it. This is a tough one for me. On the one hand, it’s a rush to think that a group of then strangers saw enough of something in me to think that I could be this vibrant, sensual, utterly weird character. On the other hand, it’s actually a little intimidating to try to live up to expectations. But, there I think is where I’m catching on to my mistake. I should be living up to my own expectations. If I’m tired of being scared and reserved, it’s up to me to take ownership and change that. I shouldn’t require step by step instructions on how to stage an onstage seduction. These are the times when I wish I had held on to just a teensy little bit of my nineteen year old self. She was an idiot a lot of the time, but she fucking owned a room when she walked in. I have my theories on the reasons for that change, but now that I have had some time to do a complete 180, I have started to give some thought to meeting myself in the middle. I think it’s time to take the best of both worlds and be the actual best me, not just some half version with limited capabilities. I am finding my voice again and it feels SO FREAKING GOOD! I didn’t know I still had some of that in me and I will grant that I need work, but I feel so amazing when I am up there singing, that it’s more than worth the utter lack of sleep and perpetual dark circles under my eyes. Being back in the theatre, it’s just changing so much for me. I love this craft, but I don’t know that I fully realized just how much I NEEDED it when I was on hiatus. I feel like I’m coming back into myself somehow, and it’s really good. And that kind of goodness, it touches every aspect of you. I know it sounds hokey and sentimental, I totally get it, but there’s something intangible and completely undefinable that I feel like I’m getting back and it’s incredibly exciting. That said, it’s also incredibly overwhelming and a little terrifying to remember your capacity for happiness, but even though great happiness means risking great sadness, it seems to me a worthwhile chance to take.
But just in case I need a reminder about this feeling right this moment… “Surround yourself with the dreamers and the doers, the believers, and thinkers, but most of all, surround yourself with those who see greatness within you, even when you don’t see it in yourself.”
I feel more like me than I have in a very long time. And sexiness? Yeah, I got this. Bring it, Magenta. Me and you are about to be real good friends.