When I started this blog, the plan was to write humorous vignettes about the perils of becoming an adult. My thought was to focus on the lighter side of this act of becoming that we are all in. Looking back at the past year, I think it’s safe to say I’ve deviated from that plan.
I wrote about a lot of things this past year. I wrote of learning to cook and bringing sexy back, of humility and strength in adversity, of facing reality and of regretting doing so. And somewhere along the way more things happened, some that I wrote about, many that I didn’t.
Which brings us to now. First blog of the new year. Somehow, the first writing of the new year always feels full. Full of anticipation and promise and goals and ideas and so much optimism. New year, new start, a whole new January where nothing has gone wrong yet. But I’m not quite there yet. I think I owe it to 2013 to take a few more minutes to say goodbye.
I am struggling with this blog. Usually words come pretty easily to me, but I’ve erased and rewritten a paragraph dozens of times already and I still can’t find the right things to say.
I’ve learned some things this year. I’ve learned that sometimes people leave this world and not a single person in it knows who they really were. I’ve learned that one of the hardest things to process when you’re grieving is why people keep the secrets they choose to keep. Something broke my heart this year and, as much as I want to tell the story, to make sure someone is not forgotten, it’s not my story to tell. Sometimes the inheritance people leave you is more intangible and more resounding than anything that could physically be handed to you. But it’s a gift, nonetheless, a decree to live out loud. It’s an inheritance that I’ve had some real difficulty processing, but I know I am fortunate to have received it. So for that, thank you, my friend. But I won’t leave you with the customary RIP. I’m pretty sure you’ll be trading your harp for a drum set and your wings for a jet pack and having a ball. Rock on, you wonderful soul. But know that this world is gonna miss you.
2013 was a rollercoaster kind of year.
It started out well. Nice house, okay job, things are good.Steadily climbing that first hill.
Then the job loss part happened, so that sucked. And down the first hill we go.
But then there was the part where I got a full-ride to law school so that was pretty cool. And we’re going up again.
And then there was the part where I got married. That part was super extra awesome in a scary, wonderful, life changing whirly way.
And then there was that starting law school part, which I think is probably the part of the ride that spins you in circles for no good reason.
And then came panic attacks and insomnia and lots of angst. Kinda like when you go through the long tunnel and can’t see an end.
Then came the quitting law school part. The tunnel ended and things smoothed out.
But then everything stalled. And that’s where I am. Stalled on a rollercoaster going nowhere at precisely 2.6mph.
My feelings on the future currently range from apathy to blinding panic. I lost my way last year. I made a huge life choice just for the sake of choosing and I lost myself somewhere in the process. I let myself be ruled by anxiety and everyone’s expectations and I crashed and burned. Not my most triumphant hour. And since then I have been struggling, not solely with what to do with my life, but also with finding the strength to pick up the pieces and maybe make the wrong choice again. I literally have no idea what I am going to do with my life and that is terrifying. Last year it felt exciting to think about all of the options. This year it just feels exhausting (though perhaps that’s just a side effect of the insomnia.) But there it is. Goodbye 2013. Thanks for the wedding, but you could have kept the law school crap to yourself. And here’s looking at you, 2014. With a little therapy, some good friends, and a few Buffy marathons, perhaps you’ll be full of the kind of awesome I’ve been hoping for. Fingers crossed!